Oct. 27, 2006
 
COMMENTARY: Hold Republicans Accountable? Why Now?
 
By Reg Henry
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
 
The number of people in these United States passed the 300 million mark the other day, which provides an opportunity to explain the Henry theory of population.
 
According to the theory, based on scientific observations made during tedious office meetings and on frustrating car trips slowed by traffic, 15 percent of people are incorrigible jerks. Another 10 percent have jerk-like tendencies, 65 percent are perfectly nice and sane most of the time and 10 percent are always saints.
 
Mothers, especially those who bake cookies, are well represented among the saints. Unfortunately, newspaper columnists are largely considered to be jerks, and I would be the first to refute that notion if only being a jerk were not sometimes useful to my purposes.
 
Another area that attracts jerks is politics. Judging by the ads I have heard this election cycle, they are all jerks, regardless of party. I live in hope that one will say "My name is Bob Flagwaver and I approve this pack of lies, half truths and ridiculous insinuations." Surely that is a candidate we could all support.
 
I have long thought that the best way to pick candidates is to determine which one is the nicer guy (or gal) and which is the jerk and vote accordingly.
 
After all, neither of the major parties has a monopoly on virtue and the party that really needs to be defeated is the Jerk Party, which represents the 45 million people in the nation's jerk community, as estimated by the Henry theory of population.
 
But we find ourselves at a crossroads in the life of this nation and it is the Republicans who control all the levers of power. That is why I believe that my own anti-jerk advice does not apply in this election. What we need is a strictly partisan perspective.
 
It is stretching the proper role of a columnist to suggest that people vote for one party over the other, but, given the stakes, no other course of action is advisable: So, on Nov. 7, I recommend the voters keep the Republican incumbents in Congress.
 
Some of you may think this advice is somewhat at odds with my previous columns, in which the GOP's leaders and foot soldiers were described in terms that implied that they were greedy, good-for-nothing polecats.
 
Similarly, I seemed to suggest that President Bush was the vacationer-in-chief whose presidency was saved from irrelevance by the War on Terror, which was lucky for him because the War on Social Security turned out to be not as politically useful.
 
Why, yes, those aforementioned jerk-like tendencies made me do it. But this is no time for recriminations, especially from you dyspeptic people who are 15 percent of the population.
 
Instead, we must consider the situation in a detached way, as Machiavelli might have done (by the way, I don't mean the Machiavelli from Florence but the one who played shortstop for the Pirates, which made him a keen student of life's disappointments).
 
What bears on my thinking is our collective obligation to the nation's kiddies. According to the modern custom, they have been brought up with little sense of personal responsibility. To suddenly hold the Republican-led Congress accountable for its irresponsible actions would introduce a new and disturbing concept into their young lives, one that can only lead to shock and dismay.
 
But the main reason to turn against the obvious jerks among the Democrats and support the obvious jerks in the GOP -- and not just Sen. Rick Santorum -- is that things aren't sufficiently screwed up yet, although clearly great strides have been taken in this direction, what with the drunken-sailor spending, the pointless war in Iraq and the ethical cesspool in Washington.
 
The beauty of the present system is that everything that goes wrong is the fault of the conservative Republicans who head the party. They have nobody to blame for the current mess but themselves, which, of course, is why they blame the media.
 
In two more years, it should be obvious even to the most difficult people that conservatism is just another word, as Janis Joplin might have said, for giving Americans nothing left to lose. Yes, just two more years of the current nonsense and liberals will look mighty good and 300 million people (minus 15 percent) will arise as one to cheer the new dawn of President Hillary Clinton.
 
On second thought ...
 
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